Post by Craig Lovecraft on Dec 27, 2007 0:05:04 GMT -5
*Kenua and Vlad are shown making a snowman.*
Vlad: Oh boy! It’s almost Christmas!
Kenua: I love Christmas! It’s my most favourite time of year!
*Paradigm and Rocket walk over and push over their snowman.*
Vlad: Hey! You bully!
Paradigm: What are you little fuckers doing?
Kenua: Making snowmen! Leave us alone!
Rocket: Or what?
Kenua: Or Santa won’t bring you any presents!
*Paradigm and Rocket begin laughing hysterically.*
Paradigm: You can’t be serious. You two actually believe in Santa?!
Vlad: Of course! Everyone does!
Rocket: Not us! We know that Santa’s not real.
Kenua: What did you say?!
Paradigm: Yeah, he’s fake! Everyone who’s not a complete fucking retard knows that!
*Vlad begins to cry as Kenua glares at Paradigm.*
Kenua: You take that back!
Paradigm: Or what?
*Paradigm and Rocket begin to walk closer to Kenua, who slips and falls into a snow bank.*
Paradigm: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
*Paradigm and Rocket laugh and walk off as Kenua and Vlad sit in the snow.*
Vlad: What are we going to do, Kenua?! If there’s no Santa, what will become of Christmas?!
*Vlad starts to cry again as Kenua stares up at the sky.*
Kenua: There is a Santa, Vlad… And I’m going to prove it…
*Jimmy Ice is shown sitting at a desk at the North Pole as Rob enters the room.*
Rob: Jimmy! I’ve had enough of this! I’m 10 times fatter than you! I should be Santa!
Jimmy: Rob, for the last time, you can’t be Santa. Everyone hates you.
Rob: Fuck you, Jimmy! I hope you die! I hope you die in a horrible flaming death, while being fucked by guys!
*Jimmy stares at Rob.*
Jimmy: Merry Christmas. Now get the fuck out!
*Rob storms out of the room. Jimmy turn back to the papers at his desk when suddenly, Missy barges in.*
Jimmy: Aw, come on. I’m working.
Missy: You promised you take me shopping!
Jimmy: There’re only 2 days until Christmas! I have a shit load of work to do!
Missy: Like what?
Jimmy: Billy Jenkins killed his neighbours, so now I have to take all of them off the list. Matilda Peterson just happened to “see the light” and now she’s on the list.
Missy: Fuck, Jimmy! And you wonder why I cheat on you!
Jimmy: Wait… you cheat on me?
Missy: All the time!
Jimmy: With who?
Missy: Anyone! Man, woman, elf… I take whatever I can get.
Jimmy: Aw, dammit!
Missy: It’s over, Jimmy. I’m fed up. There’s no way you can convince me to stay.
*Missy storms out of the room.*
*Vlad and Kenua are shown in line at the mall. Finally, it’s their turn and they run over and jump on Santa’s knee.*
Mall Santa: Uh… Aren’t you kids a little old for Santa?
Vlad: Never!
Kenua: Santa! We need your help! You have to prove to the whole world that you’re real.
Mall Santa: Uh…
*A 4 year old and his mother walk past them.*
4 year old: Mommy, do I have to sit on Santa’s knee, or can I just tell you what to get me?
Mother: We’re in a hurry, just tell me.
*Vlad gets a shocked look on his face.*
Kenua: See?! No one believes in you anymore! And if no one believes, you’ll fade out of existence!
Mall Santa: Uh… SECURITY!!
*Security guards run over and tackle Vlad and Kenua.*
Vlad: SANTA!!!! HELP US!!!
*Vlad and Kenua are thrown out of the mall.*
Vlad: What do we do now?
Kenua: Something we should have done a long time ago…
*Missy is shown lying bottomless on a lounge chair.*
Missy: Come on, bitch! Stick your tongue deeper!
*Melissa lifts her head on and wipes off her mouth.*
Melissa: I still don’t know why I have to do this.
Missy: Did I tell you to stop? You’re one of Santa’s Little Helpers. You work for him, so that means you also work for me.
Melissa: But isn’t it illegal to force employees to have sex with you?
Missy: The rules are different in the North Pole, bitch. Now get back to work!
*Melissa drops her head back down between Missy’s legs.*
*Jimmy is shown with his flight crew, checking over the reindeer.*
Pete: Everything looks good, Jim.
Jimmy: Good.
Pete: You just need to sign the insurance forms, and you can take the sleigh out on Christmas Eve.
*Suddenly, dozens of armed men surround them.*
Dante Leonhart: Down on the ground, Santa!
Jimmy: What the fuck?!
*Dante’s crew opens fire, killing all of the reindeer and Jack Spade. Jimmy runs inside while Pete tries to hold them off. He is quickly gunned down and Dave McIntyre and Maverick run outside. Maverick is shot in the head, but Dave manages to kill Zack. Dave tosses a grenade, killing a few of Dante’s guys but is finally killed. Jimmy and a few elves are shown hiding inside.*
Jimmy: What the fuck is going on?!
*Missy is shown giving a random elf a blow job as someone walks up behind her. She snaps her head around and looks at the man in fear.*
Missy: What do you…
*The man laughs as Missy screams.*
*Jimmy is shown with a dozen North Pole guards.*
Jimmy: I want guards at every entrance. No one gets in or out without my permission. And someone go find my whore of a wife!
*Rob walks out in front of Jimmy, laughing.*
Rob: Oh, how the mighty have fallen…
Jimmy: I don’t have time for you right now, Rob.
Rob: Really? Just like you never had time for Missy?
Jimmy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Rob: Well, I don’t like to spread rumours, but there’s a dead elf with a boner lying next to a pair of her panties.
Jimmy: Where is she?!
Rob: Why would I tell you?
*Jimmy grabs a gun from one of the guards.*
Jimmy: You son of a bitch! Tell me where she is!
Rob: What?! How should I know?!
Jimmy: I’m sick of you always trying to sabotage me! And now you take my wife?!
Rob: Seriously, I have no idea! I wasn’t even the one who found the elf!
Jimmy: Bullshit!
*Jimmy shoots Rob in the head just as another guard walks over.*
Guard: Mr. Clause, whoever did this to you might also be going after anyone who could replace you. All of the Santa’s in training were killed, except for Rob Sattler. But his entire family was massacred.
*Jimmy looks down at Rob’s body.*
Jimmy: Oh… That’s good to know.
Guard: Wait! You killed Rob?! Why?!
Jimmy: Uh…
Guard: Now if you die, the spirit of Christmas will be gone forever!
Jimmy: Shit…
*Vlad and Kenua are shown hitchhiking.*
Vlad: This is a great idea! We’ll get to see where Santa lives!
Kenua: I know! I can’t wait!
*A car pulls up beside them. The driver stares at them and then licks his lips.*
Driver: You boys need a ride?
Kenua: Yes please.
Driver: Okay, but if I give you a ride, you need to do something for me.
Vlad: Sure!
*He undoes his pants and looks at Vlad.*
Driver: You get to sit in the front.*
Kenua: No fair! I want the front!
*They get in.*
Driver: You ever bobbed for apples, kid?
Vlad: Yes, sir! It’s my favourite game!
Driver: Well, why don’t you take a look between my legs?
*Vlad bends over.*
Vlad: All I see is a big red straw.*
Driver: You’ve gotta suck on it. The prize is inside.
Vlad: Okay!
*Vlad sticks his head between the man’s legs and he smiles.*
Kenua: Hey! Wait a minute! Why does Vlad get a prize and I don’t?!
*Missy is shown lying naked on the floor. She sits up as a man walks out.*
Man: Missy Clause… It’s nice to finally meet you.
Missy: Who the fuck are you?
Man: I’m the one who’s going to finally put an end to Christmas.
*He steps forward and Missy gasps.*
*Jimmy’s team is shown standing around the sleigh.*
Jimmy: Will it fly?
Ben Zenith: Are you serious? Look at it.
Jimmy: Look, I need a way to deliver the toys.
Ben: All the reindeer are dead, the majority of the elves were killed, your wife is missing and you’re all that remains of Christmas.
Jimmy: So?
Ben: We’re fucked.
Jimmy: There has to be some way for me to go. Do we not have a backup sleigh?
Ben: No. But even if we did, you don’t have any reindeer.
*Davey Barrett steps forward.*
Davey: I don’t think that’ll be a problem.
*Davey smiles.*
Jimmy: Who the fuck are you?
Davey: Davey Barrett. I built the sleigh.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: We went to college together.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: We were room mates.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: I was the best man at your wedding.
Jimmy: Wait! Do you have a brother named Bill?
Davey: No. Look, do you want my help or not?
*Jimmy sighs.*
Jimmy: Fine.
*Jimmy Lee runs outside.*
Jimmy Lee: Santa! We’ve found her!
Jimmy Ice: Really?
Jimmy Lee: You know that tracking device we planted in her?
Jimmy Ice: No…
Jimmy Lee: Well, it finally activated! The North Pole Police are on their way their now!
Jimmy Ice: Aw, not the NPP. They’re useless.
*The NPP are shown standing outside a warehouse. Matt Ackerman begins to pass around candy cane rifles and Christmas ball grenades.*
Matt: Alright men, this is it! Our first real assignment! I want team Heroes to move in first and Team Thrill on standby. The rest of you be ready to shoot anyone that comes out.
*Sergeant Pain and Reaper run over to the door. Reaper pushes it open and a bomb goes off.*
Matt: Shit! Team Thrill! Move in!
*Matt, Brad, Jake, Louie and Claire all run into the warehouse, firing their guns. Captain Charisma takes out Brad, but is killed by Louie. Steve Partain and dozens of guards run out and begin to fire. Torch and Killswitch run in to help Matt, but Killswitch is killed. Shane Warner kills Jake and Louie.*
Shane: Give up! The NPP can never stop us!
Matt: Give back Missy, or our reinforcements will kill you all?
Shane: Missy?
Matt: Don’t play dumb, kidnappers!
Shane: What are you talking about? We steal Christmas presents and sell them for ridiculous prices.
Matt: Wait… So you’re NOT the one’s who kidnapped Missy?
Shane: Of course not! Do you really think we do something like that?
Matt: Then why’d the tracking device lead us here?
Shane: Well, if I know Missy, she probably had it taken out of her so Jimmy couldn’t spy on her.
Matt: That bitch! Well, uh… sorry about all this…
Torch: We’ll be leaving now.
Shane: I don’t think so. You know about our organization. There’s no way we can let you leave.
*Shane shoots Matt in the head and his guards take out Torch and Claire.*
*Jimmy and Davey are shown staring at a huge pirate ship.*
Jimmy: Uh…
Davey: What do you think?
Jimmy: How the fuck is this going to work?
Davey: It’s animal powered, just like your sleigh.
Jimmy: But all the reindeer died!
Davey: Don’t worry. That’s taken care of.
*Davey whistles.*
Davey: Come here, boy!
*3 Dogg comes running over on all fours.*
Davey: Good boy!
*Sean Gotti walks over.*
Sean: Jimmy, you have a phone call.
Jimmy: Who is it?
Sean: Missy.
*Jimmy is shown on the phone.*
Jimmy: Missy! Are you alright?!
Missy: Of course! These guys do anything I tell them. I have two elves fucking me as we speak.
Jimmy: Don’t worry! The NPP is following your tracking device!
Missy: Yeah… about that. I had it removed and hid it in one of the presents.
Jimmy: Dammit!
Missy: But I’m in no rush to come home.
*Vlad and Kenua are shown sitting in the back seat of the car.*
Vlad: I don’t feel good after eating all that candy.
Kenua: I don’t want to hear about it! You didn’t even save me any!
Driver: Don’t worry, boys. I’m sure I’ll have more in a little while.
*Suddenly, a police car pulls them over and the cops pull the driver out of the car. The man tries to run, so they kill him. An officer walks over to Vlad and Kenua.*
Officer: Don’t worry, kids. He won’t be able to hurt you anymore.
Vlad: Huh?
Officer: He was wanted in every state for forcing young boys to have sex with him. It’s a good thing we got to you before…
*He looks at Vlad’s face.*
Officer: Aw, damn. Sorry, son.
Vlad: I ate his candy and now I feel sick.
Officer: Yeah… Um… Is there anywhere we can take you?
Kenua: The North Pole, please!
Officer: Right…
*He walks away.*
*Christmas Eve. Davey, Ben, Melissa, Jimmy Lee, 3 Dogg, Sean and Jimmy Ice are shown standing at the ship.*
Davey: Alright! Everything’s all set!
Jimmy: No, I can’t do it…
Ben: What?! You have to!
Jimmy: Missy always gives me a good luck blow job before I head out.
*Davey, Ben, Melissa, Jimmy Lee and Sean all stare at each other.*
Ben: I vote Melissa.
Melissa: What?! Fuck that! I vote Davey!
Davey: No way… Not after what happened in college.
Jimmy Ice: What?!
Davey: Seriously. Do you not know who I am?
Jimmy Ice: Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna take my pants off and we’ll all close our eyes. One of you will then open your eyes, come over here, blow me, and then when you’re finished, everyone opens their eyes and no one knows who did it.
*Jimmy drops his pants and everyone closes their eyes. Jimmy begins to moan and shout excitedly. After 28 seconds, he stops. Everyone opens their eyes.*
Jimmy Ice: See? Wasn’t that easy?
*Melissa lets out a scream as she stares at the dead body of Jimmy Lee.*
Jimmy Ice: What the fuck?!
Sean: Call the guards!
Ben: Whoever blew Jimmy must have seen it!
Jimmy: Come on, people! Who blew me? There’s a murderer here!
*Everyone looks around. Davey stares at 3 Dogg who is licking Jimmy’s load off his face.*
Davey: AW! GOD! FUCK NO! THAT’S FUCKING SICK!
*Jimmy looks over at 3 Dogg and then quietly sits down in the snow. He starts to cry. 3 Dogg barks happily.*
*Craig Lovecraft, Texas Jack, Michaels Matthews, Zeus and Billy Jo Patton are shown sneaking into Shane’s warehouse.*
Jack: Do you think our boys are still alive?
Craig: Are you kidding me? They likely died the moment they went inside.
*Craig and Jack sneak into the middle of the base while Zeus, BJ and Michael wait at the entrance. Jack plants a bomb in the base and they run back to the entrance. Shane and Steve are shown with guards surrounding Zeus, Michael and BJ.*
Shane: See? This is why the NPP is so useless. You guys never do anything right.
*The bomb goes off and the majority of the warehouse is destroyed. BJ shoots Steve during the confusion and Craig and Jack take out the other guards. Shane is surrounded.*
Jack: Tell us where Missy is!
Shane: Alright! She’s at the old Polar Bear Plaza.
Jack: Thanks.
*Jack kills Shane.*
*Missy is shown fucking a guard.*
Guard: Yeah! This is awesome! It’s too bad we have to kill you on Christmas morning.
Missy: Kill me?!
Guard: Yeah. Because of Christmas not existing anymore.
*Missy begins to blow him and suddenly bites off his dick. The guard screams in pain as Missy grabs the keys and his gun. She runs out of the room but is stopped by Eddie G. and Jesse.*
Eddie: Slow down, Mami.
*She kills both of them and continues down the hall. Craig and Jack’s team arrives at the warehouse and runs inside. They are greeted by Alex Seeker, Brian Kennedy, Mr. Natural and Jay Williams, but quickly dispose of them. Missy takes out Urban Rebel but Dante stops her. Craig and Jack continue to fight their way to Missy, killing Sunday Night Heat, Omen, Tony Maverick and Scarecrow. They finally find Missy, who is standing with Dante, Anthony Tarantino, West Coast Wonder and X-Pac.*
West Coast Wonder: Drop your weapons, or she dies!
*Craig shoots WCW in the head and a fight begins. Anthony takes out Michael Matthews, Dante kills Zeus and Jack kills X-Pac. Missy runs for cover as BJ kills Anthony. Dante is surrounded, but he begins to laugh.*
Jack: What’s so funny?
Dante: Right now, we have an assassin waiting to kill Jimmy Ice. The moment he dies, Christmas ends forever!
Missy: You bastard!
*Jimmy is shown sitting at his desk as Ben walks in. Jimmy looks up.*
Jimmy: Need something, Ben?
Ben: Yeah…
*Ben pulls out a gun and the screen goes black. A gun shot is heard.*
Dante: Jimmy Ice is no more! Christmas is over! And a new day begins! A day of Fear! A day that will haunt the memories of children forever!
*Missy shoots Dante.*
Jack: What do we do now? Christmas is over!
Missy: I can’t believe Jimmy’s gone… I never got to tell him… that I don’t… completely hate him…
Narrator: Is this the end of Christmas? Will Vlad and Kenua ever make it to the North Pole? How is Missy not pregnant or full of diseases after all that unprotected sex? Some of those questions might be answered… right now.
*Craig, Missy, Jack and BJ leave the warehouse and get into the car.*
BJ: How are you not pregnant or full of diseases after all that unprotected sex?
Missy: I dunno. Luck?
*They drive back to Santa’s workshop. When they arrive, they all run into Jimmy’s office. Jimmy is shown sitting in his chair. Ben is standing beside him with his gun ready as their stare at Sean Gotti’s corpse on the floor.*
Missy: JIMMY!
*She runs over and begins to fuck him.*
Craig: How’d you know Sean was the assassin?
Ben: Well, it wasn’t me, and I knew that Davey would never do it because of his friendship with Jimmy. So that obviously narrowed down the choices.
*Davey runs into the room.*
Davey: Jimmy! The ship’s all loaded up! It’s time to go!
*Jimmy, Missy, Davey, Melissa, Craig, Jack, Ben and BJ all get in. 3 Dogg begins to run and causes the ship to fly.*
Jimmy: I’m going to change the route. We’re going to pick of those kids Kenua and Vlad first. They’re the only ones in the world who still believe in me.
*Kenua and Vlad are shown sitting in a snowbank, crying.*
Vlad: We’re never gonna meet Santa, are we?
Kenua: Nope…
*The ship lands beside them.*
Vlad: ALIENS!!
Jimmy: HO! HO! HO!
Kenua: SANTA!!!
Jimmy: I thought you boys might want to come with me.
Vlad and Kenua: YAY!!
*Suddenly, another ship lands. Venom, Psycho Jester and Roger Irons walk out.*
Venom: You think you’ve on, Clause? Think again!
*Venom pulls out a gun and fires it at Jimmy.*
Jimmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Vlad jumps in front of the bullet and is instantly killed. Jimmy and everyone else are shown standing nowhere near where the bullet would have gone.*
Jimmy: Well, that was stupid.
Kenua: VLAD!!!!
*Venom fires again and this time, the bullet hits Jimmy.*
Jimmy: FUCK! YOU ASSHOLE!
Venom: Finally! Christmas is over!
*Craig shoots Roger and Ben kills Jester.*
Venom: My brother! No!
*Jimmy lays on the ground, bleeding to death. Missy gives him a goodbye blow job as everyone else cries.*
Venom: Even without Jester, I can now rule the world! From now on, Christmas Day will be known as Venom Day! VD! VD will spread throughout the world, from one person to another, until every man woman and child will be unable to prevent VD from spreading!
*Everyone starts laughing at Venom.*
Venom: What’s so funny?!
Davey: VD. Nice name!
Venom: Oh, grow up!
*Jimmy begins to gasp.*
Jimmy: I’m dying. And the spirit of Christmas dies with me. No longer will people open gifts, no more trees will be decorated… and the good girls and boys won’t be rewarded. The world will turn to chaos. Without anything to look forward to, people will become more violent, until finally, the planet destroys itself…
Kenua: No! Santa! You can’t die! I’ll same you!
Jimmy: No… it’s too late…
Kenua: It’s never too late!
*Kenua grabs Jimmy and kisses him on the lips. Jimmy shoves him back and punches him in the face.*
Jimmy: Dude! What the fuck?!
Kenua: It worked! I saved Santa!
Jimmy: Your tongue was in my mouth!
Kenua: I saved Christmas!
*Kenua celebrates as a medical team sews up Jimmy’s bullet wound.*
Jimmy: Thanks, guys.
Medic: No problem Santa. It’s lucky we passed by when we did. Any longer and you would have been a goner.
Venom: But… I don’t believe it… I was supposed to win…
*Jimmy jumps to his feet and shoots Venom in the face.*
Jimmy: Merry Christmas, bitch!
*Everyone gets on the ship and they continue to deliver presents.*
Kenua: Wait! Those are the guys who make fun of me for believing in you!
*They land the ship again as Paradigm and Rocket walk over.*
Rocket: What the fuck is this?
Paradigm: Kenua, stop embarrassing yourself.
Jimmy: So, I hear you two don’t believe in me.
Rocket: That’s because Santa’s not real!
Jimmy: Oh, that’s too bad. Because I have a present for the two of you.
*Jimmy pulls out a shot gun.*
Jimmy: You’d better watch out, fuckers!
*Jimmy kills both of them and the ship flies off into the sky again.*
Vlad: Oh boy! It’s almost Christmas!
Kenua: I love Christmas! It’s my most favourite time of year!
*Paradigm and Rocket walk over and push over their snowman.*
Vlad: Hey! You bully!
Paradigm: What are you little fuckers doing?
Kenua: Making snowmen! Leave us alone!
Rocket: Or what?
Kenua: Or Santa won’t bring you any presents!
*Paradigm and Rocket begin laughing hysterically.*
Paradigm: You can’t be serious. You two actually believe in Santa?!
Vlad: Of course! Everyone does!
Rocket: Not us! We know that Santa’s not real.
Kenua: What did you say?!
Paradigm: Yeah, he’s fake! Everyone who’s not a complete fucking retard knows that!
*Vlad begins to cry as Kenua glares at Paradigm.*
Kenua: You take that back!
Paradigm: Or what?
*Paradigm and Rocket begin to walk closer to Kenua, who slips and falls into a snow bank.*
Paradigm: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
*Paradigm and Rocket laugh and walk off as Kenua and Vlad sit in the snow.*
Vlad: What are we going to do, Kenua?! If there’s no Santa, what will become of Christmas?!
*Vlad starts to cry again as Kenua stares up at the sky.*
Kenua: There is a Santa, Vlad… And I’m going to prove it…
*Jimmy Ice is shown sitting at a desk at the North Pole as Rob enters the room.*
Rob: Jimmy! I’ve had enough of this! I’m 10 times fatter than you! I should be Santa!
Jimmy: Rob, for the last time, you can’t be Santa. Everyone hates you.
Rob: Fuck you, Jimmy! I hope you die! I hope you die in a horrible flaming death, while being fucked by guys!
*Jimmy stares at Rob.*
Jimmy: Merry Christmas. Now get the fuck out!
*Rob storms out of the room. Jimmy turn back to the papers at his desk when suddenly, Missy barges in.*
Jimmy: Aw, come on. I’m working.
Missy: You promised you take me shopping!
Jimmy: There’re only 2 days until Christmas! I have a shit load of work to do!
Missy: Like what?
Jimmy: Billy Jenkins killed his neighbours, so now I have to take all of them off the list. Matilda Peterson just happened to “see the light” and now she’s on the list.
Missy: Fuck, Jimmy! And you wonder why I cheat on you!
Jimmy: Wait… you cheat on me?
Missy: All the time!
Jimmy: With who?
Missy: Anyone! Man, woman, elf… I take whatever I can get.
Jimmy: Aw, dammit!
Missy: It’s over, Jimmy. I’m fed up. There’s no way you can convince me to stay.
*Missy storms out of the room.*
*Vlad and Kenua are shown in line at the mall. Finally, it’s their turn and they run over and jump on Santa’s knee.*
Mall Santa: Uh… Aren’t you kids a little old for Santa?
Vlad: Never!
Kenua: Santa! We need your help! You have to prove to the whole world that you’re real.
Mall Santa: Uh…
*A 4 year old and his mother walk past them.*
4 year old: Mommy, do I have to sit on Santa’s knee, or can I just tell you what to get me?
Mother: We’re in a hurry, just tell me.
*Vlad gets a shocked look on his face.*
Kenua: See?! No one believes in you anymore! And if no one believes, you’ll fade out of existence!
Mall Santa: Uh… SECURITY!!
*Security guards run over and tackle Vlad and Kenua.*
Vlad: SANTA!!!! HELP US!!!
*Vlad and Kenua are thrown out of the mall.*
Vlad: What do we do now?
Kenua: Something we should have done a long time ago…
*Missy is shown lying bottomless on a lounge chair.*
Missy: Come on, bitch! Stick your tongue deeper!
*Melissa lifts her head on and wipes off her mouth.*
Melissa: I still don’t know why I have to do this.
Missy: Did I tell you to stop? You’re one of Santa’s Little Helpers. You work for him, so that means you also work for me.
Melissa: But isn’t it illegal to force employees to have sex with you?
Missy: The rules are different in the North Pole, bitch. Now get back to work!
*Melissa drops her head back down between Missy’s legs.*
*Jimmy is shown with his flight crew, checking over the reindeer.*
Pete: Everything looks good, Jim.
Jimmy: Good.
Pete: You just need to sign the insurance forms, and you can take the sleigh out on Christmas Eve.
*Suddenly, dozens of armed men surround them.*
Dante Leonhart: Down on the ground, Santa!
Jimmy: What the fuck?!
*Dante’s crew opens fire, killing all of the reindeer and Jack Spade. Jimmy runs inside while Pete tries to hold them off. He is quickly gunned down and Dave McIntyre and Maverick run outside. Maverick is shot in the head, but Dave manages to kill Zack. Dave tosses a grenade, killing a few of Dante’s guys but is finally killed. Jimmy and a few elves are shown hiding inside.*
Jimmy: What the fuck is going on?!
*Missy is shown giving a random elf a blow job as someone walks up behind her. She snaps her head around and looks at the man in fear.*
Missy: What do you…
*The man laughs as Missy screams.*
*Jimmy is shown with a dozen North Pole guards.*
Jimmy: I want guards at every entrance. No one gets in or out without my permission. And someone go find my whore of a wife!
*Rob walks out in front of Jimmy, laughing.*
Rob: Oh, how the mighty have fallen…
Jimmy: I don’t have time for you right now, Rob.
Rob: Really? Just like you never had time for Missy?
Jimmy: What the fuck are you talking about?
Rob: Well, I don’t like to spread rumours, but there’s a dead elf with a boner lying next to a pair of her panties.
Jimmy: Where is she?!
Rob: Why would I tell you?
*Jimmy grabs a gun from one of the guards.*
Jimmy: You son of a bitch! Tell me where she is!
Rob: What?! How should I know?!
Jimmy: I’m sick of you always trying to sabotage me! And now you take my wife?!
Rob: Seriously, I have no idea! I wasn’t even the one who found the elf!
Jimmy: Bullshit!
*Jimmy shoots Rob in the head just as another guard walks over.*
Guard: Mr. Clause, whoever did this to you might also be going after anyone who could replace you. All of the Santa’s in training were killed, except for Rob Sattler. But his entire family was massacred.
*Jimmy looks down at Rob’s body.*
Jimmy: Oh… That’s good to know.
Guard: Wait! You killed Rob?! Why?!
Jimmy: Uh…
Guard: Now if you die, the spirit of Christmas will be gone forever!
Jimmy: Shit…
*Vlad and Kenua are shown hitchhiking.*
Vlad: This is a great idea! We’ll get to see where Santa lives!
Kenua: I know! I can’t wait!
*A car pulls up beside them. The driver stares at them and then licks his lips.*
Driver: You boys need a ride?
Kenua: Yes please.
Driver: Okay, but if I give you a ride, you need to do something for me.
Vlad: Sure!
*He undoes his pants and looks at Vlad.*
Driver: You get to sit in the front.*
Kenua: No fair! I want the front!
*They get in.*
Driver: You ever bobbed for apples, kid?
Vlad: Yes, sir! It’s my favourite game!
Driver: Well, why don’t you take a look between my legs?
*Vlad bends over.*
Vlad: All I see is a big red straw.*
Driver: You’ve gotta suck on it. The prize is inside.
Vlad: Okay!
*Vlad sticks his head between the man’s legs and he smiles.*
Kenua: Hey! Wait a minute! Why does Vlad get a prize and I don’t?!
*Missy is shown lying naked on the floor. She sits up as a man walks out.*
Man: Missy Clause… It’s nice to finally meet you.
Missy: Who the fuck are you?
Man: I’m the one who’s going to finally put an end to Christmas.
*He steps forward and Missy gasps.*
*Jimmy’s team is shown standing around the sleigh.*
Jimmy: Will it fly?
Ben Zenith: Are you serious? Look at it.
Jimmy: Look, I need a way to deliver the toys.
Ben: All the reindeer are dead, the majority of the elves were killed, your wife is missing and you’re all that remains of Christmas.
Jimmy: So?
Ben: We’re fucked.
Jimmy: There has to be some way for me to go. Do we not have a backup sleigh?
Ben: No. But even if we did, you don’t have any reindeer.
*Davey Barrett steps forward.*
Davey: I don’t think that’ll be a problem.
*Davey smiles.*
Jimmy: Who the fuck are you?
Davey: Davey Barrett. I built the sleigh.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: We went to college together.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: We were room mates.
*Jimmy shakes his head.*
Davey: I was the best man at your wedding.
Jimmy: Wait! Do you have a brother named Bill?
Davey: No. Look, do you want my help or not?
*Jimmy sighs.*
Jimmy: Fine.
*Jimmy Lee runs outside.*
Jimmy Lee: Santa! We’ve found her!
Jimmy Ice: Really?
Jimmy Lee: You know that tracking device we planted in her?
Jimmy Ice: No…
Jimmy Lee: Well, it finally activated! The North Pole Police are on their way their now!
Jimmy Ice: Aw, not the NPP. They’re useless.
*The NPP are shown standing outside a warehouse. Matt Ackerman begins to pass around candy cane rifles and Christmas ball grenades.*
Matt: Alright men, this is it! Our first real assignment! I want team Heroes to move in first and Team Thrill on standby. The rest of you be ready to shoot anyone that comes out.
*Sergeant Pain and Reaper run over to the door. Reaper pushes it open and a bomb goes off.*
Matt: Shit! Team Thrill! Move in!
*Matt, Brad, Jake, Louie and Claire all run into the warehouse, firing their guns. Captain Charisma takes out Brad, but is killed by Louie. Steve Partain and dozens of guards run out and begin to fire. Torch and Killswitch run in to help Matt, but Killswitch is killed. Shane Warner kills Jake and Louie.*
Shane: Give up! The NPP can never stop us!
Matt: Give back Missy, or our reinforcements will kill you all?
Shane: Missy?
Matt: Don’t play dumb, kidnappers!
Shane: What are you talking about? We steal Christmas presents and sell them for ridiculous prices.
Matt: Wait… So you’re NOT the one’s who kidnapped Missy?
Shane: Of course not! Do you really think we do something like that?
Matt: Then why’d the tracking device lead us here?
Shane: Well, if I know Missy, she probably had it taken out of her so Jimmy couldn’t spy on her.
Matt: That bitch! Well, uh… sorry about all this…
Torch: We’ll be leaving now.
Shane: I don’t think so. You know about our organization. There’s no way we can let you leave.
*Shane shoots Matt in the head and his guards take out Torch and Claire.*
*Jimmy and Davey are shown staring at a huge pirate ship.*
Jimmy: Uh…
Davey: What do you think?
Jimmy: How the fuck is this going to work?
Davey: It’s animal powered, just like your sleigh.
Jimmy: But all the reindeer died!
Davey: Don’t worry. That’s taken care of.
*Davey whistles.*
Davey: Come here, boy!
*3 Dogg comes running over on all fours.*
Davey: Good boy!
*Sean Gotti walks over.*
Sean: Jimmy, you have a phone call.
Jimmy: Who is it?
Sean: Missy.
*Jimmy is shown on the phone.*
Jimmy: Missy! Are you alright?!
Missy: Of course! These guys do anything I tell them. I have two elves fucking me as we speak.
Jimmy: Don’t worry! The NPP is following your tracking device!
Missy: Yeah… about that. I had it removed and hid it in one of the presents.
Jimmy: Dammit!
Missy: But I’m in no rush to come home.
*Vlad and Kenua are shown sitting in the back seat of the car.*
Vlad: I don’t feel good after eating all that candy.
Kenua: I don’t want to hear about it! You didn’t even save me any!
Driver: Don’t worry, boys. I’m sure I’ll have more in a little while.
*Suddenly, a police car pulls them over and the cops pull the driver out of the car. The man tries to run, so they kill him. An officer walks over to Vlad and Kenua.*
Officer: Don’t worry, kids. He won’t be able to hurt you anymore.
Vlad: Huh?
Officer: He was wanted in every state for forcing young boys to have sex with him. It’s a good thing we got to you before…
*He looks at Vlad’s face.*
Officer: Aw, damn. Sorry, son.
Vlad: I ate his candy and now I feel sick.
Officer: Yeah… Um… Is there anywhere we can take you?
Kenua: The North Pole, please!
Officer: Right…
*He walks away.*
*Christmas Eve. Davey, Ben, Melissa, Jimmy Lee, 3 Dogg, Sean and Jimmy Ice are shown standing at the ship.*
Davey: Alright! Everything’s all set!
Jimmy: No, I can’t do it…
Ben: What?! You have to!
Jimmy: Missy always gives me a good luck blow job before I head out.
*Davey, Ben, Melissa, Jimmy Lee and Sean all stare at each other.*
Ben: I vote Melissa.
Melissa: What?! Fuck that! I vote Davey!
Davey: No way… Not after what happened in college.
Jimmy Ice: What?!
Davey: Seriously. Do you not know who I am?
Jimmy Ice: Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna take my pants off and we’ll all close our eyes. One of you will then open your eyes, come over here, blow me, and then when you’re finished, everyone opens their eyes and no one knows who did it.
*Jimmy drops his pants and everyone closes their eyes. Jimmy begins to moan and shout excitedly. After 28 seconds, he stops. Everyone opens their eyes.*
Jimmy Ice: See? Wasn’t that easy?
*Melissa lets out a scream as she stares at the dead body of Jimmy Lee.*
Jimmy Ice: What the fuck?!
Sean: Call the guards!
Ben: Whoever blew Jimmy must have seen it!
Jimmy: Come on, people! Who blew me? There’s a murderer here!
*Everyone looks around. Davey stares at 3 Dogg who is licking Jimmy’s load off his face.*
Davey: AW! GOD! FUCK NO! THAT’S FUCKING SICK!
*Jimmy looks over at 3 Dogg and then quietly sits down in the snow. He starts to cry. 3 Dogg barks happily.*
*Craig Lovecraft, Texas Jack, Michaels Matthews, Zeus and Billy Jo Patton are shown sneaking into Shane’s warehouse.*
Jack: Do you think our boys are still alive?
Craig: Are you kidding me? They likely died the moment they went inside.
*Craig and Jack sneak into the middle of the base while Zeus, BJ and Michael wait at the entrance. Jack plants a bomb in the base and they run back to the entrance. Shane and Steve are shown with guards surrounding Zeus, Michael and BJ.*
Shane: See? This is why the NPP is so useless. You guys never do anything right.
*The bomb goes off and the majority of the warehouse is destroyed. BJ shoots Steve during the confusion and Craig and Jack take out the other guards. Shane is surrounded.*
Jack: Tell us where Missy is!
Shane: Alright! She’s at the old Polar Bear Plaza.
Jack: Thanks.
*Jack kills Shane.*
*Missy is shown fucking a guard.*
Guard: Yeah! This is awesome! It’s too bad we have to kill you on Christmas morning.
Missy: Kill me?!
Guard: Yeah. Because of Christmas not existing anymore.
*Missy begins to blow him and suddenly bites off his dick. The guard screams in pain as Missy grabs the keys and his gun. She runs out of the room but is stopped by Eddie G. and Jesse.*
Eddie: Slow down, Mami.
*She kills both of them and continues down the hall. Craig and Jack’s team arrives at the warehouse and runs inside. They are greeted by Alex Seeker, Brian Kennedy, Mr. Natural and Jay Williams, but quickly dispose of them. Missy takes out Urban Rebel but Dante stops her. Craig and Jack continue to fight their way to Missy, killing Sunday Night Heat, Omen, Tony Maverick and Scarecrow. They finally find Missy, who is standing with Dante, Anthony Tarantino, West Coast Wonder and X-Pac.*
West Coast Wonder: Drop your weapons, or she dies!
*Craig shoots WCW in the head and a fight begins. Anthony takes out Michael Matthews, Dante kills Zeus and Jack kills X-Pac. Missy runs for cover as BJ kills Anthony. Dante is surrounded, but he begins to laugh.*
Jack: What’s so funny?
Dante: Right now, we have an assassin waiting to kill Jimmy Ice. The moment he dies, Christmas ends forever!
Missy: You bastard!
*Jimmy is shown sitting at his desk as Ben walks in. Jimmy looks up.*
Jimmy: Need something, Ben?
Ben: Yeah…
*Ben pulls out a gun and the screen goes black. A gun shot is heard.*
Dante: Jimmy Ice is no more! Christmas is over! And a new day begins! A day of Fear! A day that will haunt the memories of children forever!
*Missy shoots Dante.*
Jack: What do we do now? Christmas is over!
Missy: I can’t believe Jimmy’s gone… I never got to tell him… that I don’t… completely hate him…
Narrator: Is this the end of Christmas? Will Vlad and Kenua ever make it to the North Pole? How is Missy not pregnant or full of diseases after all that unprotected sex? Some of those questions might be answered… right now.
*Craig, Missy, Jack and BJ leave the warehouse and get into the car.*
BJ: How are you not pregnant or full of diseases after all that unprotected sex?
Missy: I dunno. Luck?
*They drive back to Santa’s workshop. When they arrive, they all run into Jimmy’s office. Jimmy is shown sitting in his chair. Ben is standing beside him with his gun ready as their stare at Sean Gotti’s corpse on the floor.*
Missy: JIMMY!
*She runs over and begins to fuck him.*
Craig: How’d you know Sean was the assassin?
Ben: Well, it wasn’t me, and I knew that Davey would never do it because of his friendship with Jimmy. So that obviously narrowed down the choices.
*Davey runs into the room.*
Davey: Jimmy! The ship’s all loaded up! It’s time to go!
*Jimmy, Missy, Davey, Melissa, Craig, Jack, Ben and BJ all get in. 3 Dogg begins to run and causes the ship to fly.*
Jimmy: I’m going to change the route. We’re going to pick of those kids Kenua and Vlad first. They’re the only ones in the world who still believe in me.
*Kenua and Vlad are shown sitting in a snowbank, crying.*
Vlad: We’re never gonna meet Santa, are we?
Kenua: Nope…
*The ship lands beside them.*
Vlad: ALIENS!!
Jimmy: HO! HO! HO!
Kenua: SANTA!!!
Jimmy: I thought you boys might want to come with me.
Vlad and Kenua: YAY!!
*Suddenly, another ship lands. Venom, Psycho Jester and Roger Irons walk out.*
Venom: You think you’ve on, Clause? Think again!
*Venom pulls out a gun and fires it at Jimmy.*
Jimmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Vlad jumps in front of the bullet and is instantly killed. Jimmy and everyone else are shown standing nowhere near where the bullet would have gone.*
Jimmy: Well, that was stupid.
Kenua: VLAD!!!!
*Venom fires again and this time, the bullet hits Jimmy.*
Jimmy: FUCK! YOU ASSHOLE!
Venom: Finally! Christmas is over!
*Craig shoots Roger and Ben kills Jester.*
Venom: My brother! No!
*Jimmy lays on the ground, bleeding to death. Missy gives him a goodbye blow job as everyone else cries.*
Venom: Even without Jester, I can now rule the world! From now on, Christmas Day will be known as Venom Day! VD! VD will spread throughout the world, from one person to another, until every man woman and child will be unable to prevent VD from spreading!
*Everyone starts laughing at Venom.*
Venom: What’s so funny?!
Davey: VD. Nice name!
Venom: Oh, grow up!
*Jimmy begins to gasp.*
Jimmy: I’m dying. And the spirit of Christmas dies with me. No longer will people open gifts, no more trees will be decorated… and the good girls and boys won’t be rewarded. The world will turn to chaos. Without anything to look forward to, people will become more violent, until finally, the planet destroys itself…
Kenua: No! Santa! You can’t die! I’ll same you!
Jimmy: No… it’s too late…
Kenua: It’s never too late!
*Kenua grabs Jimmy and kisses him on the lips. Jimmy shoves him back and punches him in the face.*
Jimmy: Dude! What the fuck?!
Kenua: It worked! I saved Santa!
Jimmy: Your tongue was in my mouth!
Kenua: I saved Christmas!
*Kenua celebrates as a medical team sews up Jimmy’s bullet wound.*
Jimmy: Thanks, guys.
Medic: No problem Santa. It’s lucky we passed by when we did. Any longer and you would have been a goner.
Venom: But… I don’t believe it… I was supposed to win…
*Jimmy jumps to his feet and shoots Venom in the face.*
Jimmy: Merry Christmas, bitch!
*Everyone gets on the ship and they continue to deliver presents.*
Kenua: Wait! Those are the guys who make fun of me for believing in you!
*They land the ship again as Paradigm and Rocket walk over.*
Rocket: What the fuck is this?
Paradigm: Kenua, stop embarrassing yourself.
Jimmy: So, I hear you two don’t believe in me.
Rocket: That’s because Santa’s not real!
Jimmy: Oh, that’s too bad. Because I have a present for the two of you.
*Jimmy pulls out a shot gun.*
Jimmy: You’d better watch out, fuckers!
*Jimmy kills both of them and the ship flies off into the sky again.*